Bare Wood Floors
by hogwaffle
Summary: Short Song fic, Buffy spends a night thinking of all the ways she messed up her relationship with Faith. Companion Peice to follow.


Lyrics belong to Avril Lavigne "Take me Away"

Characters are Joss's

Just a short little piece, there will be a companion piece to it. For anyone wanting more of "What may have been" I'm sorry to say that is all there will be. This and the next one are a little dark and sad, the next ones will lighten it up a bit)

:I cannot find a way to describe it

It's all there inside:

Bare wood floors, perpetually sticky. Walls covered in posters not quite sure if they are advertising alcohol, or sex. One long bar under some faded neon signs, an undeterminable amount of tables further back in the smoky murk of the bar.

This is the fishbowl. My escape from reality, as far as escapes go, this one is pretty shitty. It's illegal to smoke indoors in California; I don't think anyone here cares. The place is filled nightly by vamps, thieves, and every color and size of scum in between. The beer's cheap though, and after the first night, no one bothers me.

They still look shocked to see the slayer here, not even glancing their way, all I want is to be left alone, to drink and think in peace. Third stool from the left, that's where I sit and write her the letters I know I'll never send.

:What would you do

you do if you knew

what would you do:

What would she say if she knew?

I don't even like to think about it. I am just so ready for everything to be over, so I can go back where I was, if they even let me back in. I can't let everyone know that they forced me to leave the first place I ever felt really happy. It was perfect happiness, none of this store bought earth version of happiness. It was deep, eternal. Maybe that's why I keep coming here, hoping if I can just get drunk enough, maybe one of these lowlifes will grow some balls and make a move.

No one could blame me for loosing a fight if I was drunk, right?

They'd know the truth though. Know that I must have been here for a reason, been inviting this pain and punishment. God it would hurt them. I can't think about it for too long, better to write another letter.

:back and forth

inside my head

I can't handle this confusion:

I pull over a napkin. The bartender doesn't even wait for me to ask, he just flips his pen out from behind his ear, tossing it on the bar next to me. I don't thank him in any way. I hold the pen for a minute, adjusting it in my hand until I think it's in writing position. I put the tip to the napkin, zoning for another moment as ink bleeds onto the empty space.

Faith

I never told you what a beautiful name that is did I? Of course I didn't

I never told you anything I meant to. All I did was say things to hurt you,

All I did was shove you away. I never meant to hurt you that way. I just,

I wanted you too bad, I knew I could never be happy as friends.

Now I lost the only person who ever might have been able to understand

Me, no one else will ever know how lonely what we do it. No one else will

Know how good it felt to make the jump off that tower, to just let go of it

All.

I meant to tell you how pretty I think you are. I had all these conversations

Rehearsed in my head, and then every time I was with you I just couldn't get

The words out. I fucking pushed you away, I ruined your life and I am so

Sorry for that. I can't get you out of my head. I meant to tell you I

Love you.

:I feel like I'm all alone

All by myself I need to get around

This:

I start to tear the note up, making two neat piles, one on either side of my beer. I don't know why I do this, it's just what I do every night when I am done with a note.

How can you apologize for ruining someone? New napkin…

Faith

I fucking hate you. Ok? You suck lots. And I am glad you are in

Jail, I hope you rot there forever.

Already I am ripping that one up. It isn't true, it's just trying to hide behind lies again, I promised not to do that again. I am just so fucked right now.

:my words are cold

I don't want them to hurt you:

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I've become a somewhat bitter and angry drunk. Shit on me I guess. I just want all this to be done. I wish I could go back to being the old Buffy, the one everyone knows. The one who could feel something besides pain. The one who had the time of her life dancing with you in the Bronze.

:all the pain

I thought I knew

All the thoughts lead back to you:

I even talk to her in my head. I am always writing the letters, even in my head. Every thought is for her, a message I wish I could send. Words that so sound good in my head, but writing them down they just seem dumb.

Why did I ever start to feel this way about you?

I used to be normal, I liked boys, not in the jump all over you, want, take, have kinda way Faith did. But I mean, I had sex with Angel, and it was good, except the whole, him going bad thing. That sucked. I am always in these fucked up situations aren't I? Fuck.

God you're beautiful.

Faith

Could we just leave together? I think things would be

Better with just the two of us.

I wouldn't feel so weird, like I was doing something

Wrong by wanting you so bad. I know you're in jail, but I could bust you

Out.

We're slayers right? The chosen two? We can do anything.

Just come with me, save me from the craziness inside me,

Teach me to live again.

I know it's a lot to ask, but I fucking need you

Nothing's right

Not anymore at least, everything's spinning, fucking wild,

Out of control.

You'd be my rock, think you can handle it?

I don't mean to be pushy, but please say you need

Me too. Say you love me. Tell me you want me.

I write on automatic pilot now, not really thinking about it. The letters come out jumbled, but I think they're more honest. Spike is calling my cell phone; I'm not going to answer it. I told myself I am done with him.

That doesn't really mean anything, I have told myself that lots. I don't seem to listen very well. It's all just about the warm body lying there. And the fact that I can stumble into his crypt with the sunrise, and he doesn't ask me any questions.

But when I'm lying there, all I'm thinking about is you.

"Closing up slayer." I look up in a dazed shock when the bartender says this. Sure enough, glancing out the window I can see just the hint of the sun on the horizon. I full myself up slowly, throwing a wad of cash on the bar, and stumbling out of the place.

:Take me away

break me away

take me away:

Another night without you

Another night alone.


End file.
